


Tell the Wolves I've Won

by kurapicat



Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Alternate Ending, Childhood Trauma, Explicit Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Night Terrors, Past Child Abuse, Yotsuba Arc
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-24
Updated: 2020-03-17
Packaged: 2020-07-12 11:40:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 15,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19945573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kurapicat/pseuds/kurapicat
Summary: While handcuffed to his main suspect, Light Yagami, L quickly realizes that the boy suffers from night terrors. Which makes him wonder, what could the world's greatest mass murderer be afraid of?





	1. One

The soft white light of his computer washes over him when he pops it open. He’s reviewing the notes on the investigation the team had supplied him with that day, skimming through them, his thumb up to his mouth, when he hears it.

A whine, loud and keen in the dead silence of the night. 

His fingers twitch where they hover above the keyboard. There it is again, though now it’s accompanied by a few whimpers. 

L turns, his eyes adjusting to the dark heap next to him. 

Light shifts in his sleep, his face turning up to L, and in the white glow of his computer, he can see the pained expression the boy wears. His hair was plastered to his forehead with sweat and his brows are curved in a fearful expression. 

A spark of intrigue ignites within L. 

What kind of nightmares could possibly frighten a mass murderer? 

Light in a weak sleep ridden gesture, reaches out, and his fingers brush against L’s elbow. L reflexively jolts back, out of reach, and watches as Light’s hand closes, clutching at empty air, and drops back to his side. 

The boy stills, his ragged breath gradually slowing.

L mentally raises the percentage to 53. 

* * *

Four hours later, Light’s alarm goes off. 

L had been expecting it so he does not startle, and continues to write. 

When Light starts to move, L glances at him from the corner of his eye, though his fingers don’t cease their typing. Light’s nose scrunches up as he struggles against the webbings of his dreams. L would find it endearing if he didn’t know that Light had already woken up half an hour prior. 

L had noticed the change in the young Yagami’s breathing and had heard the small gasp that escaped him when he shifted from dream into reality. 

Light had been eerily still after that, tense, as if he was still held in the grip of his nightmare. 

“Ryuuzaki,” Light mumbled, his eyes flickering open to gaze up at the detective. “You’re awake still.”

“Astute observation, Yagami-kun,” L replies teasingly. 

Light disregards the jab. “Did you sleep at all?”

“No,” he says simply. 

“You need to rest Ryuuzaki. How do you expect to resolve the case if you end up fainting?” 

Light’s scolding rubs L the wrong way. He cannot tell if it is genuine; it had never been before. 

“I can assure you that my sleep, or lack of, will not affect my level of deductive reasoning, Yagami-kun.”

When Light levels him with a doubtful look, L decides to add, “I will have time to rest when we catch Kira.”

Light hummed in acknowledgement though he clearly did not agree with L’s decision. 

“Did you find anything new then?”

L’s flickered from the computer and then back to the boy. He shut the lid gently and turned his body so that he was facing Light properly.

“There are a few theories I have that I’ll disclose when the team convenes. I wanted to discuss with you something that crossed my mind however.”

“What is it?” Light prompted, leaning forward now. L did not miss the eagerness in his tone. 

“I was thinking about Yagami-kun and how similar your methods of deduction are to mine...there have even been a few times where you have met the same conclusions as I do, before I have yet thought of them.”

Light’s face is for once easily discernible. _Compliments catch him off guard_ , L notes to himself. 

“Perhaps after I die, Yagami-kun can succeed me.”

L watches closely as Light’s face distorts with disgust; he did not seem to like what L has said. 

“Don’t say things like that Ryuuzaki,” he spits. 

L presses further. “If I were to die, would you take the position?” 

If Light is Kira and pretending to have lost his memories he would without a doubt answer “yes”. 

Light sighed in aggravation and tugs on the chain, holding his wrist up as if to showcase it to L. “What are you saying Ryuuzaki! As long as we’re wearing this, won’t we die together?”

Light’s mouth opens gently as something dawns on him. 

“You’re thinking that either I’m Kira and pretending not to know or that the power of Kira has passed on to another and because of that I have no recollection of being Kira.”

Light’s expression hardens as he rambles and his fists become white-knuckled. 

“In either scenario, you could never take this handcuffs off, you could never let me go.”

L raises a brow and waits for Light to continue. When he does he sits upright so as to be at eye level with L. 

“You think that I am Kira, that I gave the power away and once everyone is convinced of my innocence, I plan to regain the power.”

It was incredible that the boy could accurately pinpoint exactly what he was thinking to this extent. Something inside him fluttered, something like excitement. 

“That is correct.”

Light grips his wrist, the one without the handcuffs and they become one continuous circle, and L cannot help but be hyper aware of this. 

“Would you think that after we catch the current Kira after that...I would become Kira? A murderer? Is that how you see me?” 

There’s something feral in Light Yagami’s eyes, a yearning and ache that is upsetting to gaze into. 

“Yes.”

Light closes his eyes in what L can only assume is disappointment, maybe hurt. When he opens them again, L thinks for a second that he’ll attack him, like he has before. But he doesn’t. He simply turns and gets off the bed, forcing L to do so as well. 

They do not speak as they get ready. There is a heavy air between them and L is crossed because he anticipated it (and he did not regret what he said) yet he wants to be free from it immediately. 

When they’re waiting for the elevator he ventures to ask, “How did you sleep last night?”

Light seems almost even more upset than before, something L didn’t realize was possible. He does not look at L when he replies. He simply steps into the elevator and says, “Fine, Ryuuzaki. I slept fine.”

* * *

When they settle into bed that night, Light wraps himself in the covers quickly as L resumes his work. L thinks Light resembles a child when he does this; it is hard to think of Light as a child. He is sure that he was as sharp-witted and intelligent then as he is now. 

As time folds in on itself and the numbers on the corner of his screen turn into 1:32 AM, L realizes that Light is still awake. 

He is facing L and though his eyes are closed, his breathing has not deepened as it would when he slept. 

L turns to look at him and as if feeling his gaze, Light opens his eyes to look back. There is a moment of peaceful silence that transpires and something flicks between them, though he does not know what. 

“Will you sleep tonight?” Light asks. 

For some reason L thinks that Light is hoping he will say yes, although the answer is really no, and because of this he closes his laptop. 

“I will try, though you can’t expect much Light-kun.”

Light smiles at him warmly and L does not know if it is because he gave in to the boy’s request or if it’s because L used his first name. 

Putting the computer aside, L shifts under the covers, the chains clink softly as he does so; he thinks its almost a happy clinking, but maybe that has more to do with sleep deprivation than anything. 

Light closes his eyes, a smile still gracing his lips. His breath fans over L’s face and his stomach becomes knotted all of a sudden. 

“Goodnight, Ryuuzaki.” 

“Goodnight...Light.”

It takes him a long time to fall asleep after that. 

* * *

L stretches his neck out, hearing it pop twice. He puts his computer to the side and shifts his knees closer to his chest; his rear hurts from sitting on the ground outside the bathroom door for so long.

Light had asked him if he wanted a chair to be moved there; he regrets saying no. 

Light has been in the shower an awful long time. He usually averages around twenty to twenty-seven minutes (much longer than L thinks is necessary). Glancing at the clock reveals that its been thirty-five minutes now. 

L crouches closer to the door. The shower is still running.

Perhaps something has happened. _Maybe he's doing something Kira related_ , L thinks with a feeling of anticipation. He knows Light is not that stupid though; there are cameras in the bathroom—footage that only he and Watari are allowed to check. If Light was doing something Kira related Watari would have already notified him. Besides if his theory is true then Light has no recollection of being Kira. 

L slumps back in boredom, pouting slightly.

Why is he taking so long then? 

_Maybe he had a heart attack?_ L rules against this possibility. Misa Amane has already declared that she would choose Light over Kira if pressed, so she would not try to kill him. And if F-Kira wanted to kill the original Kira, why would they have waited until now?

 _Maybe he had a seizure?_ He's not sure why he has this particular thought. He attributes it to the fact that it had happened to another kid in the Wammy house; seized and died with his face pressed against the bathroom tile. But Light has no history of seizures. 

Maybe he was just particularly dirty. He hadn't seemed particularly dirty when they had gotten to the room.

L knocks on the door calmly. "Yagami-kun?"

When Light doesn't answer for three counts, he knocks again, louder this time. "Light-kun? Is everything alright?"

No answer, just the rhythmic sound of water pelting against tile. 

L's stomach twists uncomfortably; he doesn't like not _knowing_. 

He stands, chain clunking underneath the door, and breathes evenly. He hasn't done this in a while, but he's certain the door will cave with enough pressure. 

Right then the door swings open. Light is standing there, still wet, slightly flushed and his breathing is dysregulated. L blinks and looks down to see the firm clutch the boy has on the towel around his waist. _Oh._ L hadn't thought about that. 

"Ryuuzaki? Were you calling me?"

L's gaze flickers back up to Light's face, which has become increasingly redder, only confirming L's thoughts. 

"I was about to kick the door in," L says leveled. 

Light's face contorts with confusion. "What?"

"Yagami-kun took twelve more minutes than his usual shower."

Light is a healthy eighteen year old boy, who's been handcuffed to L for several weeks without any moment alone and not to mention that he has a girlfriend he's not allowed to spend time alone with; it's perfectly natural for his showers to be...longer, once in a while. 

L's mouth sours at the thought of Misa and Light; something that has been happening more frequently these days. He has no explanation for it and he'd rather not dwell on it either. 

Light's mouth quirks in amusement. "You were worried about me, Ryuuzaki."

"Naturally," L replies in the same breath. It catches Light off guard, and if L is correct, it made him nervous.

Light glances at his feet. "Are you going to shower?"

L shuffles past Light and turns the shower back on, noticing that in his earlier frantic state he hadn't heard it turn off. 

"You know how I feel about hygiene, Yagami-kun."

Light shuffles awkwardly between the door and L.

"Can I get dressed first?" He asks, holding the chain up to remind L.

L nods. 

Light tells him to turn around, and though he usually does, this time he does not. He masks it under the guise that he should make sure there isn't any marking on Light's skin to indicate that he is a mass murderer. 

Light must notice as well, because he tenses in the middle of buttoning his shirt. The detective expects to be chastised, but is surprised when Light continues to dress. Maddeningly slow. 

L's heart quickens its pace as he takes in the expanse of caramel skin; he wonders if it would taste as sweet as it looks. When Light is completely dressed, he pauses, towels his hair, and twists at the waist just enough to catch L's gaze. He gives the detective a coy smile and a warm drop of arousal spreads beneath L's skin.

"I told you to turn around, L."

L's eyes widen; Light has never called him by his title, not to his face. 

"Light-kun doesn't seem to mind."

Light holds his gaze and L, for the first time in his life, is transfixed, not out of fear but something stronger.

Perhaps he needs a cold shower. And he plans on doing just that, so he turns around, and in a disinterested voice tells Light to finish up.

If Light is disappointed or embarrassed he gives L no way of telling so. 

When L steps into the shower, he closes his eyes and lets the tepid water run over his face. Rolling his back muscles in an attempt to relax, he breathes in deeply and tries to quell the heat that has pooled in his lower abdomen. 

It's not that L has never been aroused, he has of course been many times, or that he hasn't been attracted to someone, even of the same sex. He's just never been attracted to Light before, or he has but hasn't realized until now. 

And how could he not? By conventional standards Light was beautiful, that much was obvious to all. 

What was most compelling was the young man's mind. L had never met someone his equal. His successors came close; but Mello was too hot headed and Near was too cold hearted. 

Light was balanced. Light was perfect.

He had meant what he said. If L could choose and if Light was most certainly not Kira (because he had to be) then L would choose Light, without a doubt, to be his successor. Light had shown no interest in the proposal however, which had peeved L. He was certain that Kira would jump at the chance to gain L's title, it would make him practically invincible. But he hadn't. 

Light had seemed disturbed by the prospect. It wasn't until now that L had realized that Light was disturbed by the thought of L dying. 

L sighed softly and turned the water off, stepping out and drying himself quickly. He glanced at himself in the mirror, saw his too wide, unsettling eyes, his sickly pallor, and horrid posture—a reflection that made him shudder with dislike, and wondered how Light Yagami could ever be interested in him.

The only plausible answer was that he wasn't; that this was just a subconscious move from Kira to get closer to L and render him useless. He raises the percentage to 68 in his head. 

L dressed quickly, having brought clothes with him, wanting to avoid another incident. When he opened the door, Light had quickly slipped in, beginning to dry his hair. L tried to remain indifferent in his presence, moving to brush his teeth and continue with his night routine. 

He was rummaging, searching for a lollipop he had sworn he had placed on top of the dresser, when a hand crept to rest on his head.

L stilled. Fingers whispered against the sides of his neck and played with a few wet locks of hair that had curled around his nape.

"You should dry your hair," Light says and steps back, allowing L to stand and gain distance. 

"Why?" L questions.

Light frowns. "Because I have to sleep in the same bed as you and I hate when the sheets get wet."

L rolls his eyes and moves past Light to sit on the bed, lollipop forgotten.

"You won't have to worry Yagami-kun, I don't plan on laying my head down."

Light plays with the chain between them, a nervous tick L had never really paid much attention to before now. _What is he nervous about?_

L's thoughts immediately jump to the investigation, reviewing in his head anything that had been different about that day, anything that could indicate Kira would make his next move.

"You should try to sleep, Ryuuzaki."

L's is jolted out of his thoughts, not having expected to have to continue the conversation.

"I slept last night," L refutes.

"If you could even call that sleep. I doubt you even sleep enough to enter REM sleep."

He does not like Light’s prodding, knowing the boy smart enough to unlock doors L does not want to divulge. 

Guiding the conversation into a more playful area, L's quirks his mouth mischievously and asks, "Were you watching me sleep, Light-kun?"

Light becomes visibly flustered at the accusation. "What? Don't be ridiculous, Ryuuzaki."

Pulling on the chain harshly, L forces Light to stumble forward, to stand in between L's legs. Though he is physically lower than the other man he is still the one with the most power in this little game of theirs.

"Why do you care all of a sudden how much I sleep? Is that information significant to Kira? Are you using the time I sleep to your advantage somehow? Though, the footage doesn't show anything, maybe Light-kun is smart enough to do something without arousing suspicion."

He tugs on the chain again, but this time Light is expecting it and instead of falling forward he merely lurches in place. His face has molded from shock to a cold anger and L can't help but feel a thrill of excitement run down his spine. He wants to keep going, to keep pushing, until he makes Light lose his composure, because only he has ever been able to get perfect Light Yagami to crack.

"Tell me, Light-kun, can Kira kill even when he's asleep? Even when he does not know he is Kira? Even when he is laying next to L and-"

Light lets out an exasperated noise and pushes L so forcibly that it causes the detective to fall on his back. Light crawls on top of him, though when he straddles L it is to subdue him, or maybe he is trying to hold himself back. He can tell by the rabid look in Light's eyes that he wants to hit him, but he holds him down instead, because Light does not want to hurt him. L's breath comes out ragged and it's not because Light's knees are digging into his ribcage. 

"Why is it so hard for you to accept that I just want you to sleep?" Light shouts. "Have you considered that maybe I just care about you!"

"No," L answers truthfully.

Light's brows knit in disbelief. "Why?"

"Because Light-kun is Kira and Kira is a liar."

The boy's face morphs into a beautiful display of pain and betrayal; he looks stricken, more so than when his own father shot a blank in his face. He pushes on L's chest, though it is a pathetic attempt, and L realizes that Light is crying.

"I'm not Kira!" Light yells. "I'm not Kira, I'm not Kira, I'm n-not Kira."

L's eyes widen and he chastises himself for feeling guilty for causing Light such distress. He is right (that Light is Kira) but maybe it is wrong to cause Light such pain when he does not _know_ he is Kira. 

Placing a hand on Light's elbow and rubbing it slowly, L tries to convey some sort of comfort. He cannot say anything, because he will regret it, and Light could use it in the future as a weapon against him. But he wants desperately to; to give Light that relief and to simply believe him. 

Light breathes out shakily, and his breath fans hotly over L's cool skin. 

"You told me I was your only friend, Ryuuzaki," Light starts. "Is that not true?"

L gives him a puzzled look. "No. You are my friend."

"How can I be your friend and your suspect as well!" Light pleads with him.

A bitter melancholy settles over L.

"Things are not that simple, Yagami-kun."

And maybe it's what he said or maybe it's because he used the wrong name, but Light is suddenly distant, his face is impassive and apathetic. He wipes at his face and rolls off of L in one swift motion. 

L sits up slowly and looks over to where Light has settled in at the edge of the bed, his back facing the detective. 

L considers lowering the percentage, because he wants to, he really does, but he would be lying. 

There is a 71 percent chance that Light Yagami is Kira.

* * *

"Light won't you sleep with me?" 

L turns away from Light and picks up his hot chocolate. Spending too much time with Misa and Light put him in a bitter mood; it was so unbearable—Misa's suffocating love for Light. Light didn't give any sign that he minded though. He was indeed very patient with the girl, though over the last few weeks of close observation L had noticed that Light never sought her touches. The only times he spoke to her in a manner one associated with a boyfriend was coded, like he was coaxing her into agreement. _Poor girl,_ L thought. She's was saccharinely sweet, having even declared her and L friends today, and smarter than most thought she would be; yet she was so blind to her boyfriend's disinterest. 

"Why are you saying that Misa?" Light looked like he was on the verge of a headache. 

Misa giggled from the doorway. "I know, after we catch Kira, right? Don't be shy, Light!"

"Please, don't be shy, Light-kun," L chimed in, unable to keep the animosity out of his voice. 

Light considered him curiously before continuing. "I'm not being shy."

L swiveled to lock eyes with Light, trying to discern every small slip of behavior that could indicate his emotions. He had been especially cold to him that day.

"Don't be so serious about it, either," L said thickly. 

  


Their night routine went in a similar fashion that the rest of the day had gone. Light and L danced around each other politely, without speaking. L wanted to cross the impossible distance between them, to say anything, even small talk (which he absolutely despised). But Light was unreachable and L didn't want to get into another fight. 

They settled into the bed soundlessly, and thinking that he could use some sleep (mostly because when he did it seemed to put Light at ease), he slipped under the covers next to Light. It took over an hour for his brain to start shutting down, but eventually his eyelids became too heavy to keep open. 

He awoke not long after to the sound of muffled complaints. His eyes shot open quickly, his muscles tensing with anticipation, but when he bolts up in bed there's no one in the room. L glances to the sleeping figure next to him and realizes the noises had come from him. Relaxing momentarily, he gives a sigh of relief. 

Light must be having another nightmare. 

L settles back against the bed, drowning in the down feather pillows, and nearly falls back asleep. 

Light lets out a soft sob, his breath catching in his chest, making his cries come out in between hiccups and painful breaths. It jerks L fully awake. 

He feels something uncomfortable blossom in his chest, which begged him to draw near the boy, to hold him, to console. L shifts to the middle of the bed and places a gentle hand on Light's shoulder. He's shaking with such violence, L thinks it had come from him at first. Light doesn't wake or give any sign that he's aware of L's presence.

He's mumbling something unintelligible, interrupted by occasional whines. L frowns and moves closer, trying to peer over Light's shoulder.

"Light-kun," L whispers. 

Sitting up on his elbow, he observes Light's trembling figure. The boy is still deep in sleep, caught on the thorns of his night terror. L places a firm hand Light's side and shakes him a few times before releasing him; he isn't sure if it would scare Light more to feel hands on him when he awoke.

"Light-kun," L called. "Wake up, Light."

Lights starts to stir, his brow pushing up in recognition, turning on his back. He startles when he sees L's looming figure, a choked sob forcing its way out of his throat. 

"R-Ryuuzaki?"

L slides down to lay eye level beside Light; treating him like a cornered animal who might lash out if intimidated too much. 

Light is peering at him with wide, fearful eyes still brimming with tears. 

"You were crying and screaming in your sleep," L tells him calmly.

"Oh," Light says. There's still a lingering tremor to his voice, giving him a small and vulnerable appearance, one L does not associate with Light Yagami.

When they're laying like this, their arms and thighs brush against each other, and it's now with Light's hot breath on his neck that he realizes how close they are. 

"Were you having a nightmare?" L asks, coaxing Light to open up. At least, maybe it'll close the distance that had ripped between them. At most, he might have insight into Kira's worst fears. 

Light is silent for a moment, no doubt wanting to turn around and ignore L's piercing gaze. 

L has solved what was undoubtedly considered the most complex, mind-bending cases in the 21st century and yet, to him, seeing Light's innermost conflict unfold before his eyes was the most captivating thing he had witnessed to date. 

He’s holding his tongue, hands fidgeting, twitching, like they ached to do something, hold something. L wondered if he wanted to touch him. 

“Yes,” Light relinquishes slowly, like he’s tasting the word in his mouth. 

L regards the boy carefully. He considers asking if Light wanted to talk about the dream, but he knew that was unlikely, and he decides he shouldn’t push (something he’s still trying to learn). 

“Well,” L starts. “Light-kun should know that the headquarters is heavily guarded and under constant surveillance. Especially, this room. There are 72 cameras in here to be exact. And if it really came to it, I’m trained in several martial arts including capoeira, which I mastered recently. So Light-kun has nothing to worry about. He is...safe with me.” 

Light’s face is blank for a moment, seemingly trying to process the words L had just thrown at him. His face breaks even and he lets out a surprised giggle, which quickly turns into full-fledged laughter. 

L’s breath catches in his throat and his eyes widen impossibly. _Oh._

L had never heard Light laugh like this, so unabashed. He decides he likes Light like this best, very close, his heavenly laughter filling the room with mirth. 

Light’s amusement dies down gradually and he is left gazing at L with an expression the detective couldn’t even begin to decipher. 

“Thank you.”

Light’s voice is soft and airy and L’s knows for once that it is genuine. 

L allows himself a small smile. 

“Of course, Light-kun.”

* * *

Staring at fuzzy surveillance footage for hours with your face approximately two and half feet away, can do funny things to your vision apparently. 

L drops his thumb from his mouth and closes his eyes for a moment, waiting for the meandering lights and static waves to disperse. 

When he opens them, he finds Light peering at him quizzically. Looking at Light now hurt, almost as if he was still staring at the screen. The purple static strings danced and curved around the edges of Light’s face, side to side, slipping over the bend of his nose, the soft edge of his lips. 

L met Light’s gaze and found himself entranced (something that was happening with increasing frequency these days and beginning to impede on his work). Those two honey orbs contained such endless depth, L found himself wanting to fall in, crawl in. He wanted to be inside Light’s mind, to understand him, to think like him. 

“Ryuuzaki, are you feeling well?”

L lost in thought, hummed instinctively, before realizing Light was speaking to him and expected an intelligible response. 

His mouth popped open in surprise; he never lost focus like this, not when they were actively working. 

“Sorry, can you repeat the question, Yagami-kun?”

There’s a hint of worry in Light’s face.

“I asked if you felt alright.”

“Oh,” L said densely. “I do admit my response time seems to be a bit slower than usual today.”

Light scoots his chair closer, turning so that his back faced the rest of the team, making it so that their conversation was suddenly private. Light rests his hand on L’s, trapping it between the cushion of his chair and Light’s hold. 

His gaze immediately flicks down to it, and he cannot help but focus on how warm Light’s hand felt and how that heat was quickly seeping into his own skin. 

He felt fuzzier, further muddled and he realized how dangerous an effect Light had on him. 

“Do you want to go back to the room?” Light asked softly. 

L looked up at him, taken aback by the suggestion. “No,” he said slowly. “We should not waste time when we should be working to find the third Kira.”

“I know,” Light says, his hand tightening around L’s. 

L has to actively restrain himself from reacting. 

“Maybe we can go to bed earlier today then?” Light negotiates. “And in the meantime you can have a coffee with a few hundred sugar cubes.”

L beamed at Light’s suggestion, even if it was hidden under the guise of teasing. 

“And cake,” L adds. 

Light playfully rolls his eyes. “Yes, and cake.”

“Cake fixes everything, Light-kun.”

He doesn’t notice until Matsuda hands him his plate of sweets, that he’d been holding onto Light’s hand the whole time. 

* * *

L jolts up in bed, his breath is ragged, coming out in short pants and his shirt sticks to his back uncomfortably in a sheen layer of sweat. 

There’s a hand gripping his wrist painfully, and when he notices its presence he nearly shouts. He looks down at the culprit and finds Light in a similar state, albeit still asleep. 

He would find it funny, how unlikely a coincidence for them to both be dreaming up terrors, if his mind wasn’t more preoccupied with getting his arm back. L tries to pry Light’s fingers open, but it only causes the boy to cry out in distress. Light’s curls closer around him, nestling his face against L’s upper arm. 

Closing his eyes, L begins to pace his breathing, just as Watari had taught him when he was younger. _This is Light, not A, not B, Light._

 _“_ I'm n-not Ki–no, no, I’m not.” Light’s feverish babbling is muffled by L’s shirt, making it difficult to decipher his words. 

The hand on his wrist tightens, nails digging into the soft flesh, no doubt leaving angry red crescent moons on his skin. L groans at the sudden shift in pressure and realizes he has to wake Light before the boy causes him any serious harm. 

L places his free hand on the side of Light’s face, pushing his hair back in place in repetitive, soothing motion. 

“Light-kun, wake up,” L calls, trying to keep the lingering anxiety from his dream out of his voice. “You’re okay, you’re safe.”

“I’m not Ki-Ki—no, no, no…not you...” Light begins to shake his head frantically. 

He brings his face closer to Light’s and makes his voice firmer, louder, trying to pierce through the thick veil of Light’s dreams. 

“Light, wake up! You’re okay, please wake up.”

Light slowly begins to rouse, though by his frantic breathing, L can tell it will be a rough awakening. 

A soft wain slips from the boy’s lips and then his eyes shot open, and the hand on L moved upwards. 

“You’re okay, you’re okay, Light-kun,” L coos, trying to catch Lights rapidly shifting gaze. 

Light gasps at the sound of L’s voice, his eyes finding his in the dim light of the night. 

“Er-er-L, L, L!” 

It was so odd, nearly unnerving to hear his name spilling from Light’s lips with such desperation and fervor. 

Light releases his arm, but he has little time to relish in the relief because Light’s hands are now holding face. 

“Y-you’re here,” Light stutters in disbelief, his brows pushed up and his eyes watering. 

Before L can say anything in an attempt to calm the other man, Light is surging forward, and crashing against L. 

L’s eyes widen in shock and he thinks to pull away, but Light has beaten him to it. 

He’s caressing L’s cheekbones and temples, pushing relentlessly at his hair, but it’s not the slightest bit romantic, it’s desperate, hopeless. 

“L,” Light breathes out, sending bolts of electricity up the detectives spine. “I-I thought, I thought you were gone,” he tries to explain. “I saw you die and I thought–I did–but I’m not. I could never!”

“Light…” L is at a loss for words. 

There’s a million things running through his mind, a million possibilities, clues, theories, conclusions. But he couldn’t care less for them; he just wants to calm the calamity within Light. 

“You’re okay, Light,” L says gently. “I’m right here I’m not leaving you, I’m right here.”

Light chokes out a sob, and two beautiful pearls curve around his cheeks. He pushes his forehead against L’s his breath hot and needy and insistent, like he’s trying to crawl in L’s skin. 

And L understands. Because Light is asking and L wants to deliver. 

L slowly moves closer, partially because he doesn’t want to scare Light with sudden movement, mostly because this scares the hell out of L. He shifts, an infinitesimal movement, towards him. It is like leaping from a waterfall. He does not know, until then, what he is going to do. 

When their lips meet this time, it is gentle and kind, and Light’s mouth opens under his like the parting of a flower. He can taste his mouth, hot and sweet, and L wondered if he would taste better after eating dessert. His stomach trembles, and a warm drop of pleasure spreads beneath his skin. 

The strength of his desire, the speed at which it blossoms, shocks him; he startles out of the kiss, though it doesn’t seem to upset Light. 

Light is looking at him which such warmth that L struggles not to break their gaze. With a hand to the back of L’s head, Light brings their foreheads together once again. 

“L,” he whispers, his swollen lips brushing against L’s own. He keeps repeating L’s name, like he cannot believe it to be real, like he is still dreaming. 

L himself is not sure if it is real. 

* * *

The next morning, he awoke light-headed, his body drunk with warmth and ease. For a moment, his memories of the night come to him as if they were pleasant, confusing ones that belonged to a dream. The realization hits him with such an impact that he briefly forgets how to breathe. 

The moments between dusk and dawn that he had shared with Light had seemed slower then, and lingering, a dreamlike night that stretched on and on. Now, watching him stir beside him, his hand resting on L’s stomach, curled like a blade of grass under the weight of the rain, he was scared. 

He remembered in a rush the things he had said and done, the reckless way he had allowed to let himself to be at ease in Light’s presence. His shame burned him like bitter acid. 

It was incredibly unprofessional of him to get involved with someone when he was meant to be performing as L, let alone the main suspect of the investigation he was actively working on. As much as he loathed to admit it, he had become lazy and pliant in Light’s presence—especially in the recent months after Light’s personality changed overnight—putting himself in a vulnerable position mentally and emotionally. 

L had to stop thinking of Light, the one he had gotten to know better recently, as different from Light Yagami, the original Kira, who when in possession of his memories (if his theory proved correct, which he was only 41 percent certain of) was much more calculative, manipulative, and actively planning L’s death. 

It did not matter if this Light was not aware that he was Kira. It did not matter that this Light’s views aligned more with L’s than with Kira’s or that this Light was much more in tune with his emotions and by extension caused L’s own to surface. 

Because if Light was Kira—no, because Light _is_ Kira, it only meant that eventually he would be incarcerated and L would be the one to do it. And what an awful mess if L became reluctant in doing so over his feelings for the boy. 

Even if on the 37 percent chance that Light wasn’t Kira, he was still L’s suspect, a member of the investigation team, and the son of the Chief of the NPA. Which all put L in clear violation of ethical or professional regulations and standards. 

For all his previous judgements of his successors, he was sure that in his current state, they were more qualified and deserving of the title of L. His stomach burned and he had to swallow down the humiliation that was threatening to crawl its way up his throat. 

And then Light was awake, his lips forming a half-sleepy greeting, and his hand was already reaching for L’s. 

And L’s resolve trembled, and he yearned desperately to forget it all, to return Light’s affection and see where it took him. He was sure it would be sublime and that he would be happy. 

But it was not L’s place to be happy. Not like this. 

L yanked his arm away, jostling Light off of him, already moving to get out of the bed. 

Light shrunk from his rejection, his face forming into one of confusion and hurt. L wondered if it was real or if he was just that good at acting. 

“L,” Light started. 

“Ryuuzaki,” L corrected. 

Light closed his mouth and then opened it again. “Ryuuzaki, if this is about last night, I’m sorry if you feel like I’ve overstepped, but–”

“You did,” L shut him down. “It was incredibly unprofessional and I should be the one to apologize for allowing it to happen, Yagami-kun. It won’t happen again.”

Maybe it’s the venom that was carried in his words or because he said the wrong name, but Light’s expression shifts and in a flash he is gone. Impassive, distant and cold, and suddenly L recognizes him. Not as Light-kun, but as Light Yagami, the one from before. 

“I understand,” he says from behind the mask, and his voice sends a chill down L’s spine. 

It is the only thing he says to him for the rest of the morning, until late in the day when he turns to L. Something flutters in L’s stomach when Light’s gaze finally rests on him, but he only asks him to stop chewing so loudly in an impatient voice and then continues to talk to the team. 

* * *

Biting into a strawberry, L tried his best to tune out Misa's voice and Light's adequate, polite responses. L had decided to be benevolent today, allowing her and Light to have a date. She was complaining, however, that it didn't feel like a date and slyly tried to goad L into leaving them alone. 

"Even if I were to leave you alone, I would just watch on the monitors, so it wouldn't make much of a difference," he replied to her, eyeing the model's untouched cake. 

Misa leaned forward and accused L, for what seemed to be the hundredth time, of being a pervert. 

He rolled his eyes softly and suppressed the urge to smirk. _If only she knew…_

Light turned to him and regarded him for the first time that day. There was something curious in his gaze; L could see from the corners of his eyes that the boy was going to say something to him. It took more energy than he anticipated to not turn to face Light, much like a sunflower would turn its face up to the sun. Although he had made the resolution to keep things professional between him and Light, it was much more difficult once he put it into practice. If he was being truthful, he still didn't particularly _want_ to stay true to his decision. 

"You seem off, Ryuzaki. Is something wrong?" 

L narrowed his eyes and tired to keep his gaze focused on nothing in particular. Light had a lot of nerve to ask him that, but L wasn't surprised he had either. 

"I guess I'm a little depressed," he answered honestly.

"Depressed?" Light parroted, clearly not expecting this type of response.

"Yes," L said dully. Before he continued he took another bite of Misa's cake. "For the longest time I thought you were Kira and I'm a little shocked that I was wrong. Well, I still suspect you, hence the handcuffs."

"But Kira can control people's actions," L said venomously. 

His explanation had two meanings, and it was clear by the enraged look on Light's face that neither of them were lost on him. The first being that if Kira could control people's actions then maybe Kira controlled Light in order to make L think Light was Kira, in the same way he assumed Misa had been controlled. The second being that Light was Kira and could control people's action, meaning L's behavior the other night.

He didn't actually believe in the second meaning to his explanation; he had been the one to actively return Light's affections and had been certain in them, at the time. He mostly said it just to get under Light's skin, which he did, very effectively. 

L rested his head on his knees. "If you were both being controlled and killed people without knowing, then you're just victims, and I'd have to start the investigation over again."

Light crossed his arms and leaned back. He had since composed himself from previously, though L was sure he was the only one to realize just how annoyed Light had gotten from his comment. 

"Ryuzaki, with that line of thinking it would mean that Misa and I were both Kiras…"

"There is no mistake there. You are both Kiras," L said flatly, cutting off Light from continuing. 

Light’s face hardened, but allowed him to continue. L explained his theory; how after Light had been detained the deaths had stopped for two weeks before starting up again. Which, lead him to believe that Kira's powers could be passed from person to person. 

"It's an interesting theory," Light commented. "But it would make catching Kira very difficult, nearly impossible."

"Yes. That's why I'm depressed," he said, lying through his teeth. 

It was true that coming to this conclusion caused him frustration, but it wasn't the cause of his somber mood. It was the ramifications of his actions if this were the case. If Light was truly controlled by Kira, and was essentially a victim, then every day after the two initial weeks of his imprisonment, when he had seemingly lost his memories, was torture of an innocent. It made L's stomach twist with pain. It only added on top of his guilt for essentially taking advantage of the college student when he was in a weak state of mind. 

Light put his hand on L's shoulder, and L flinched from the contact. "But that's not definite. There's still a lot that we don't understand about Kira, right now. But we will capture him, together, even if it's very difficult to."

L turned away from Light, not able to take the sincerity in the boy's voice. 

"Why even bother?" He mumbled. "Trying hard to go after him will only put our lives in danger. I thought I was going to die many times…" His mind drifted. Even if Light had been Kira, he didn't want him to die.

Light, not being privy to L's inner thoughts stood up, and L being lost in thought did not have enough time to reflect Light's fist. The impact sent him flying off the couch, his face stinging and his jaw clicking uncomfortably. 

Sitting back up, dazed, he mumbled, "Ouch."

"Shut up! Just because I'm not the true Kira, just because you were wrong, you want to give up?! Even after everything you said the other morning, you can't even follow through?"

L rubbed at his mouth and looked at Light squarely. He was starting to understand why Light was so upset. In Light's mind, if L's reasoning for rejecting him was because of the investigation and now L was unmotivated to resolve the case, then his rejection of Light had nothing truly to do with the investigation. It was simply rejection. 

"I may have worded that poorly," L replied, referring to both their current conversation and the previous morning. It didn't seem to ease Light's fury.

"Ryuzaki!" He yelled in exasperation, and grabbed L by the collar of his shirt. "Unless we chase him, there's no way Kira will be caught! You were the one who put us in confinement and you're saying it was in vain?!"

L slipped out of his grip and rounded a kick, hitting Light under his chin and sending him sprawling on the floor. Now they were even. 

"I'm just disappointed," L admitted from his place on the ground. "I'm human...am I not allowed to be disappointed?"

"No," Light said roughly, struggling to get on his knees. "The way you talk, it's like you won't be happy unless I'm Kira."

"Not happy unless you're Kira?" L repeated, surprised to find truth in the accusation. 

In his mind, only his equal could be Kira, and the only one who fit that description was Light Yagami. And if he wasn't Kira, not only had L been incredibly erroneous, it also meant that his reasoning for keeping his feelings for Light at bay were null. And that scared him more than anything. 

"I just realized something," he thought out loud. "I wanted you to be Kira."

He's expecting Light's jab this time, but he lets it land nonetheless. Light was punching him with all his might, and it nearly convinced him that he was really not Kira. 

"One for one," L stated. "I'll have you know I'm quite strong."

Twisting his body, he roundhouse kicked Light again. Feeling his foot connect with Light's face in a resounding _thwack_ , made him feel bad; he didn't actually want to hurt Light.

Light recovered quickly and grabbed L roughly. "Was any of it true then?!"

His eyes gleamed a brilliant fiery red, though he looked like he was on the verge of tears, his voice cracking when he spoke. "What you did…" Light drawled, clearly not wanting to divulge what had transpired between them in front of Misa and the team, who were undoubtedly listening. "Did you think you could get a confession out of me like that?"

L sobered, not realizing that Light would come to such a conclusion; he shouldn't be shocked though, he had thought the same of Light's behavior at first. He wanted to say that, no, he hadn't kissed him as a form of manipulation, but he had no idea how to go about that. And thought that maybe it would be better if Light continued to think so, because then it would thwart any future attempts. 

His silence seemed to anger Light further, and he was about to lurch forward, when the telephone rang. The sound jolted them both out of their rage.

L glanced at Misa, who was cowering in the corner, and was hit with a sudden pang of guilt, again. Even though, Light had made it pretty clear to the team that his relationship with Misa was one-sided, they were still a couple, which made Light technically, unfaithful. Though he wasn't the only one at fault; L had participated easily, without a single thought about the girl. She had called them friends, and even though he’d never had friends until recently (and didn’t really consider her his friend), he knew he was being a pretty awful friend to her. 

L shrugged the pointless thoughts away and picked up the phone, realizing it was Matsuda rambling about something idiotic, in order to stop the fight. He hung up quickly.   
  


When they returned to their room that night, the moon hung high in the sky, and L couldn't keep his eyes off it—mostly because he didn't want to look at Light tending to his wounded face. 

_God of the night_ , he thought, thinking of meaning behind the kanji in Light's name. The character for 'Light' was usually interpreted as 'moon'. He wondered if he would ever be able to look at the moon without thinking about Light Yagami. 

In the dead silent of the night, after they had settled in bed, the words slipped out of L before he realized. "I didn't."

Light startled slightly, before asking. "What?"

"You asked earlier if I did it because I thought I could get a confession out of you in doing so," L explained. "I didn't."

Light doesn't respond. L can't gage his reaction, because the boy has his back turned to him, and he falls asleep, not knowing if Light believed him or not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> death note is absolutely one of my favorite manga/anime, probably only second to nge and i was amazed that i hadn't written anything for it until now?? so even though this fandom is mostly dead lol i started to write this. i hope you enjoy, please leave kudos and comments!


	2. Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> few things! i’m so sorry it’s been so long, i promise i didn’t abandons this fic, time escaped me and i got really busy with school.  
> also, i’m totally aware that in canon the percentages don’t really mean much and are really just L fucking with Light because he was always certain Light was Kira, but i also think they're fun to use lol  
> about A! A’s gender was never stated in canon asides from the english translation, so i made them a girl

Through the open window he could hear the tapping of the rain and voices and then the single chime of a church bell. Now the tapping is closer and he's in a kitchen, and a girl is tapping her fingers anxiously against the granite. _Tap! Tap! Tap! Tap!_

A smiles at him. The door opens and now the tapping is piano keys, but it's not a soothing melody. It's rapid, random, like hands slamming against pavement. He felt a hand on the small of his back. When he turned he was looking in a mirror. It was cracked. His reflection smiled too wide, distorted. Then it reached out for him, grabbing him by his neck and pulling him in. 

"Can't you see I'm just like you?" It says. "I am you."

B.

"And soon I won't need you!"

And then he's pushed, spun, shrunk, twisted. He's holding a train car. There's a hand on his shoulder now, and a face bends into view. Someone familiar spoke to him and said— "I can go a little longer", and he lifted a shovel and sank it into the earth. Mello. He's stacking chocolates into a tower. The tower falls. 

"I'm not like her."

His throat constricts, then pushes the jagged words out of his mouth. "Like who?"

Mello points behind him. 

There's a white door. And there's a hand at his back; it burns. 

"Open the door," B whispers in his ear.

He opens the bathroom door. Everything is white. White tiles, white paint, white sink, white shower curtain. A is laying in the tub and her skin is very white too.

A frowns at him and presses a razor to her forearm and a church bell rings. The tub is red. 

"Poor A," B croons in his ear. "She couldn't take it."

B pushes him forward, and he tries to scramble back, away, away from A. B is cackling and he shoves him forward until he collides with the side of the tub.

"She couldn't take the pressure!" 

Then his head is dunked in the red water. 

Pressure. A teapot screaming. A group of children whistled and clapped. 

He hears the tapping. He was holding a train car. Someone was speaking to him, but he couldn't understand the muffled words. A paper plane is thrown at him. It flies past his ear. 

Near. He's not smiling.

The plane crashes into the wall.

B is crouching over a body and he's eating jam out of a jar with his hands. He grins when he sees him, and lifts his hands up in celebration. Red jam flying. 

B picks up a severed arm and waves at him with it. "Do you like my work? BB, QQ, BB, RR!"

B starts to sing the alphabet as the flames curl around him. 

And then he was running his hand through a boy's hair and the boy took his wrist and they moved through a corridor where rows of black dresses hung from the ceiling. Those dresses turned into the sea. The boy laughed against his lips. 

When he awoke, the room was dark, only illuminated by the sliver of light that casted in from the window. He felt a hand on his stomach and his heart skipped in his chest, but the face looking down at him did not belong to someone from the orphanage. 

"Ryuzaki," Light called, his voice dripping with concern. It takes L a moment to recognize him, and when he does his heart settles in his chest. 

"Were you having a nightmare?" Light asks, and in the soft dim glow of the night, he looks blue. 

L sits up; having Light hover over him made his stomach squirm. 

"Yes," he answers evenly.

"Do you want to tell me about it?"

And he hears the tapping. L's gaze shifts to look behind Light. The rain is pelting against the window in a rhythmic, _tap, tap, tap, tap._

"It's raining," he says out loud.

Light turns to face the window. "Oh, I didn't notice."

L's gaze shifts back to Light and he can feel the waves moving inside him still. "What did you ask?"

When Light turns back to him he looks at him confused before he remembers. "I asked if you wanted to tell me about your dream."

"No," L said automatically. He bites his lip and leans forward slightly. "I meant yes. I do, yes. Just not right now."

"Okay," Light says slowly. When he moves slightly to lean against one of his hands, the sheets fall and pool in his lap. L tries to focus on this and not the tapping of the rain.

"Is this why you never allow yourself to fall into REM sleep?" When he asks this, the hand he has on the bed slides closer to L's, but does not touch him. An invitation. 

L nods, not trusting himself to speak. He's still looking at Light's hand. Light realizes and moves his hand so the side of their fingers are touching. L leaps off the waterfall, and grabs Light's hand firmly. Something inside him eases.

Light's lips quirked into a small smile. "Well, if you didn't know already, the headquarters is heavily guarded and under constant surveillance. In fact, this room has 72 cameras in it. And I might not be a martial arts expert, but I have been known to throw a few good punches. So you really have nothing to worry about, Ryuzaki."

L smiles at hearing his words parroted to him. He tugs on Light’s hand and pulls him down gently, to lay in the bed side by side, their hands still linked in between them, the chain twisted. 

For once he does not allow his mind to stray to Kira or his successors. He just stares at Light and Light stares at him. Emotions stirred in his belly, ones he dared not give name to. 

“Are you going to stare at me all night?” Light asked, cheekily. 

“Would that make Light-kun uncomfortable?” L asked. 

Light’s eyes flickered. Maybe it was because L had said the wrong name, or the right one, in this case. 

“No,” he whispered, his eyes already closed, a faint smile gracing his lips. 

* * *

When he wakes, he startles into it like the brakes of a car being slammed on abruptly, shifting him out of his dreams violently. The hairs on the back of his neck have risen and he's cold and there's a slight tingling in his throat; he realizes that the unease comes from being watched. Even so, when he turns to see Light only a few inches away from his face, staring openly, he flinches. 

There is something predatory in the other man's eyes, it flickers red, and then it's gone, his face molding into one of endearments. It's moments like these where L remembers that he shares a bed with a serial killer; it sends a shock down his spine, and he shudders, though not out of fear. 

He wonders how genuine Light’s affections are. If he was, after all, conscious of being Kira, had always been, or had somehow overnight recovered his memories. If he was simply playing L like a fine tuned instrument the way he did with Misa when he wanted to placate her. 

Maybe he’s overthinking it. Maybe the look in Light’s eyes he had caught was simply of lust, not bloodlust. He’s not sure which he prefers. 

"You look so peaceful when you sleep," Light whispers, his breath billowing over the bridge of L's nose. 

Light is looking at him like he's trying to map out the features of L's face, committing them to memory.

"Do I?" It's the only thing he can respond with.

"Yes."

A smile spreads across Light's lips and his gaze, for a fraction of a second, flick down to L's lips. L is overcome with a sudden nervousness that he's only ever felt when being pinned down by Light Yagami's stare. 

They are so close, L thinks that it would be very easy to close the distance between them. And when they lounge in the comfortable silence of early morning, and Light is looking at him like this, his eyes gooey like the melted caramel on the pastries L eats, there is an intimacy that they breach that is reserved for only fools. L jolts away from him sitting up in bed. His face is hot and he can't bring himself to look at Light. Unbeknownst to him, Light is in a similar situation. 

"We should get going," L says hurriedly and glances at the time. "It seems like Light-kun was too busy watching me sleep to remember that we have a meeting in twenty minutes."

When he takes a gander, he is pleased to see the pink tinge to Light's cheeks and know that he is not the sole one to be so thoroughly affected by the other. 

The day goes by slowly after that. Though they have made more progress as of recent in the investigation, there are still days like these. It seems like everyone is a bit preoccupied by things. Aizawa has been complaining since he stepped foot into the surveillance room about his struggles getting through security. Matsuda is quite hung up on the fact that Aizawa walked in pantless and shoes in hand, due to the said security issues. Chief Yagami and Mogi weren’t present, taking care of business with the police. L wonders how the Chief is getting accustomed to day to day life after his self-confinement. 

He's stirring a small teaspoon in his tea while he pours in copious amounts of sugar, watching it disintegrate with dull eyes, when Light nudges him in the arm.

"Ryuzaki, I know you're not into this type of stuff, but come over here for a second."

L swivels in his desk chair to look at the screen Light is pointing at. He notices the small prideful twist to Light's smile.

"Take a look at the change here, and look at this sudden growth," he says, moving his finger in accordance. 

L leans over Light's shoulder, his hair tickling the boy's neck and cheek. Eyes widening, he gives a simple awed, "Yagami-kun…"

Light eyes him. "Are you ready to get back to work now?" He asks, referring to their skirmish over L's lack of motivation—amongst other things.

"If this is connected to Kira, then punishing criminals may not be the sole goal of this Kira," L thinks out loud.

"Yeah, it's possible that killing criminals is his camouflage for when he kills for monetary reasons," Light responds. 

"You once said that if an adult had Kira's powers they would use it for their own benefit or to make money. This would fit that perfectly…" 

He places his hand on Light's shoulder causing their gazes to lock. 

"Very impressive research, Yagami-kun," he says genuinely.

He's amused greatly by how Light beamed under his praise. A wave of excitement passed through him, stirred by the frequent reminders of Light's intelligence. 

"I helped with this too, Ryuzaki!" Matsuda calls from behind them. 

L barely hears him, too busy listening to the information Light is rattling off to him. He concludes by suggesting that the third Kira was supporting Yotsuba, seeing that their rival companies stocks had plummeted while theirs had grown. 

"So you did further research into the deaths of people in these companies?" L probed. 

"Yeah and look," Light said almost enthusiastically. "Thirteen deaths that occurred in the past three months were beneficial to Yotsuba, while considered from other companies' points of view, are much less, like two or three. But aside from the first three, the rest died in accidents or from illness, aside from the two that were killed by Kira this week after being indicted for corruption."

"These three months are after you were put in confinement and the killings stopped before starting up again...intriguing," L wonders out loud, not missing how his comment had caused Light to frown. It seemed like every reminder of L's suspicion was like a hot poker to the boy's stomach. 

"That's true," Light agreed reluctantly. 

"If this is the case then," L says his eyes widening with realization.

Light catches his gaze and nods. "Then Kira can kill in other ways than just heart attacks."

L moves away from Light and turns in his chair to look at both Light and Matsuda. "We need to share this with Aizawa, immediately."

When they present their new findings to the man, the first words out of Aizawa's mouth are, "Are you suggesting Yotsuba hired Kira to kill for them?"

L visibly sours. "Kira being hired is unthinkable."

"Why?"

"Because that would mean that a company was able to find Kira before me," L says sternly. "Which is not possible."

Aizawa blanches. "You just told me to not have faith in your reasoning earlier and now you're completely confident in yourself, what am I supposed to believe?"

L pouts slightly and says truthfully, "I was just sulking then."

"Kira would not willingly help a company, no matter how big, after being exposed. I would imagine he would just kill the people who discovered him. It would make more sense if someone in the Yotsuba group was Kira or had the same powers," L explained.

"Still," Aizawa continues, a pensive hand to his mouth. "Infiltrating a company like Yotsuba would be difficult."

"Watari is pretty respected in the business world, but if Kira is involved then it would be dangerous to send him alone."

The thought of Watari, someone he had come to see as his father, getting close to the third Kira, one that had no qualms killing non-criminals, made his stomach knot. 

"Who's Watari?" Light asked curiously. 

L considers for a moment lying, before pointing to one of the monitors. "He's the one who appears on the computers from time to time. The one I had you think was another L."

"Oh, that guy."

Eventually, they separated, with plans on what they could do in the meantime before Chief Yagami and Mogi returned to the headquarters. 

When L and Light had been leaving to go to their room, Matsuda had mentioned off handedly that he was glad they were getting along again.

L glanced at Light for a moment before responding. "I'm not sure what you mean, Matsuda. Yagami-kun and I have always been on good terms. We are after all friends."

It brings a fond smile to Light's face even if L hadn't used the right name.

* * *

"Chief! Mogi! Welcome back," Matsuda greets in his gratingly cheery voice. 

L tilted his head enough to hear the conversation, though he kept his body facing Light. When Matsuda announced their findings about Yotsuba, he watched it through Light's face. The way his lip twitched in annoyance at Matsuda crediting himself; how his eyes widened hearing his father announce the police were giving up. This brought L's head to move, swiveling in shock. 

"I've talked it over with Mogi, and he seems determined to stay here," Chief Yagami turned to face the other detectives. "Aizawa, Matsuda, if you want to continue going after Kira, you need to join Mogi and me…and resign from the NPA."

"What do you mean?" Aizawa erupted.

"I was told we would be fired if we continued to work with L." Chief Yagami's head canted downward in—shame, reluctance, regret? 

L turned back to the computers, his eyes closing with a frustration nearly palpable. "I think you should all go back to the police." 

"I was alone in the beginning," L admitted evenly. "Almost every police officer turned their backs to me when the threat of losing their lives became reality…with the support you guys gave me until now, I'll be able to continue this case on my own. And I swear to return and see you guys one day with Kira's head."

The words tasted bitter on his tongue. An itch sitting beneath his skin. Kira's head, Kira's head. That soft, honey hair he's carded fingers through. 

"Ryuzaki, as long as I'm around, you won't be alone," Light reminded him in a voice too sweet, one Kira should not possess. Light tugged on the chain, making it jingle obnoxiously. "Don't forget this." There was a smile hidden in his voice.

L's gaze flickered to the chain resting by Light's legs, his eyes never straying up. "Right, you will be with me until we catch Kira, Yagami-kun. But the rest of you should return to the police."

Chief Yagami refuted this vehemently.

"I needed you because you maintained a connection with the police, and I figured pursuing Kira as an organization would be beneficial. Like during the Sakura-TV incident for example. Two or three civilians who have quit the force do not count as the police. And if the police have decided to not catch Kira…then forget about it."

"What about our feelings?" The Chief asked. 

Feelings? L nearly laughed. He played with the cherry stem in his mouth, doing his best to keep himself detached from the bursting emotions of those in the room. 

"Whether we quit the police and pursue Kira or return to the police and give up, I think we at least deserve to make the decision ourselves," Chief Yagami spat. 

He pulled the cherry stem out of his mouth. "Then please choose."

His gaze flickered to Light's, and he showcased the knotted stem in his fingers, a small quirk to his lips. Light flushed, scowling, his arms crossing as he turned his attention to his father. L listened to the team bicker, arguing over their decisions, though he barely registered it, finding the faint warm glow below Light's skin to be much more interesting. 

"Ryuzaki, how about if I return to the police, but help on my own time?" Aizawa's voice came from behind him. 

L repressed a sigh. "No good. If you're going back to the police then please do not return here. With this current situation, I will have to assume that anyone with the police is no longer on our side."

Aizawa continued his rambling, the words mushing together into hurried strings. L sipped his tea, letting his face fall into practiced apathy. 

“–then what if you think of me as a watcher who observes the movements of the police for you?”

“If you want to return to the police and continue with the investigation by yourself within the police policy, then you are free to do so,” L paused to blow gently at the tea. “And if you’d like to give us information, you are also free to contact Yagami-san and do so. But I won’t let you have any of the information we might have.”

Aizawa grew silent at this, his head tipping down in veiled shame. He agreed with L, his mouth forming hesitantly over the admission of being selfish. 

“Chasing Kira, risking your life as a member of the police might be a righteous thing to do. However, quitting the police and causing your family troubles just to go after Kira yourself might not be so righteous,” he kept his back turned to the team, Light’s eyes heavy on his shoulder. “If you die as a member of the police then you are a victim of your duty. If you stay here and get killed then you aren't dying for much.”

Chief Yagami continued in agreement, mentioning his own selfish reasoning, his own grudge against Kira for Light’s imprisonment. L kept his cup near his face, though it wasn’t making its way to his lips very often. 

A gothic letter L flickered onto the screen in front of him, emitting Watari’s voice. _“Ryuzaki.”_

“What is it, Watari?”

_“You made me promise that if anything happens to any of the members of the investigation team, I would support that member and his family with a lifetime benefit, even if they get fired from the police.”_

L felt his brow twitch in annoyance, likely unnoticed, asides from Light perhaps. “Do not mention unnecessary things, Watari.”

Watari apologized, saying that he couldn’t help himself from speaking up. 

Matsuda cheered up at Watari’s revelation, prattling excitedly at the team. Aizawa on the other hand, was not too pleased. He fixed L with a glare, or at least L assumed he was by the tone of his voice. 

“Ryuzaki, were you testing me to see if I would leave the force and stay with the team?”

Matsuda and the Chief both jumped to L’s defense, attempting their best to ease the discomfort. 

“No,” L negated the Chief’s assumption. “I was testing you, to see what you’d choose.”

The men grew silent. Tension rolled throughout the team, wafting in slow, thick waves. 

“I see,” Aizawa’s words dripped in bitter acidity. “I’m leaving this team and returning to the police force!”

“Aizawa, don’t be so stubborn,” the Chief started. 

“No,” Aizawa cut him off. “I’ve made up my mind, I’ve just realized how much I detest Ryuzaki, his policy, the way he is and everything!”

“I, myself, have always liked you Aizawa,” L responded, though he made it a point to not turn. There was truth to the sentiment, but this was his limit, and sometimes even dogs needed to be reminded of their place. 

“Thank you for your help,” L said. Aizawa slammed the door to the investigation room just as L finished speaking. 

The air in the room was stifling, and Light’s gaze on his face felt heavier somehow. Two days later Light and his father made headway on the case and L decided to call upon Aber and Weddie. 

* * *

In the hours that stretched between midnight and dawn, L lay still in bed, staring up at a dark ceiling, mulling things over in his head as he did most nights. His fingers itched to move across the keyboard of his laptop, to do something, anything. Because time not working meant more time that Kira roamed free (though he presumed _one_ Kira was very much in reach). But he had left the laptop on the table at the other end of the room, having opted to not use it because he worried the tapping of his keys or the bright artificial screen would bother Light; not that Light had ever complained about such things, nor had it ever stopped L from doing so before. 

He regretted coming to that decision now. He was awfully bored.

It was then that he felt the tell-tale signs of Light stirring, but when L cocked his head to the side he was met with a very much asleep boy. He was starting to become agitated, however, twisting and turning in agony at the invisible demons that held him hostage. 

L wanted to soothe him. To wipe his hands across the expanse of those tense shoulders and temper the storm that ebbed inside the boy. But his hands never quite made it there. 

Sometimes Light spoke through his night terrors. Muddled words and heavy breaths. L always tried to decipher them, his curiosity always getting the better of him. He wished he hadn’t attempted this time. 

Light puffed out shaky breaths, saying fragmented strings of “...not Kira…” and “...let me go…” and “...father…” and then “...please, Ryuzaki…”.

The words slid into him, smooth as a polished knife. He didn’t have to decipher the thread of Light’s words to know what he was dreaming of. And all these nights L had wondered eagerly what could strike fear into the heart of Kira? He had not thought it would be him. 

He had once played with the idea that Kira would be afraid of him, the one who would end him. He had thought it exciting. 

And though he knew his confinement of Light after the respective two weeks and testing the boy by having his father shoot a blank in his face, was immoral and he had accepted this notion, even regretted it, he hadn’t faced the reality of it. The repercussions. 

He believed that Light was Kira, and was afraid of being caught by L. He had not thought that Light was afraid _of_ L. 

Igniting fear in criminals was not something he minded before. He had expected it, relished in it even, but this, this was not the intended effect. 

He had pondered before over whether waking Light in the middle of terrors was beneficial to him at all, but now L did it mostly to salvage himself. He did not want to hear anymore words spill from the boy’s mouth and have the knife twisted further in his gut. 

Light startles into consciousness, and his face is covered in a thin veil of confusion as it always is when he awoken by L. Light’s breath catches in the back of his throat, and L waits for the lowered gaze and pinched expression of a suffering ego. Light had always been prideful. But it never comes, and when the clouds clear from his vision he gazes at L and sags with relief. 

“L,” he whispers, and he only ever says L’s name in this room, and it never fails to affect him. 

“You were having a nightmare,” L says carefully, like has many times before. 

Light frowns, his gaze flickering down, like he’s remembering, and suddenly L regrets what he said. He does not want to see fear or revulsion or worse, hate, in those eyes when they look back up. 

“Are you okay?” L ventures, because the silence is suffocating. 

Light’s hand twitches and comes to rest between them. “I don’t know.” 

And it’s one of the only things that have come out of Light’s mouth that L believes wholeheartedly. 

Light’s face breaks into a certain nervousness and his gaze flickers from side to side. “Could you...could I?” He looks at L hopelessly. 

And L is not sure what he’s trying to say and is, frankly, too caught up in the fact that Light isn’t pushing him away and demanding to be uncuffed. 

“I just–I’d feel better if you held me,” he spits out, like the words were shards of glass in his mouth. 

“Held you,” L repeats intelligently. 

When he realizes what Light is asking him, that he’s hoping for comfort, his mouth falls into a small O. 

Light’s face is starting to darken, crumble, like he’s preparing for rejection, again. 

So L reaches out, because words for them were too difficult and painful, and he brings himself closer to Light. It’s incredibly awkward and unnatural and he has no idea where to put his hands, but they end up settling on Light’s back between his shoulder blades. A great sense of satisfaction washes over him when he feels those bones relax under his touch. But it does little against the discomfort of his guilt and he can still feel the sharp sear in his side. 

Light presses into him, his hand curling gently against L’s ribs. 

Sometime later he says, “Thank you”, sleepily, and L hates it, because he hears it as a consolation. 

“No,” he says. “Please don't thank me.”

But Light is already asleep. 

* * *

The sun crept its way in through the window. L had begged for hours for it to appear, and it had begrudgingly. He had not been able to sleep after waking Light from his night terror. He stayed still, frozen by the heaviness in his heart, his arms curled unnaturally around the boy. L had not dared move an inch, his limbs had fallen numb hours ago. 

Light’s soft breath was hot on his neck, calm and soundless for once, unlike the slight tension he carried with him through the day. L looked down at his hands, how they were placed politely, an almost-touch, and thought he did not merit this sweetness. To have Light seek refuge in the arms of the man who terrorized his dreams, it was a sick irony. 

It left him feeling disgusted with himself, skin crawling. It troubled him to feel this. It was such a profound, foul emotion and he presumed that he had never felt so deeply. He supposed everything he felt for Light, guilt, animosity, worry, fondness, was more than he had ever felt for anyone else. It was unalloyed, like the concentration of lemons. 

He had felt fear before. Fear of dying, fear of B or becoming like A, fear of tarnishing the name of L, fear of Watari dying. And he feared Light, but it was unalike the others. He was afraid of Light’s rejection, afraid that Light would remember himself, afraid that Light would love being Kira more than he would ever love L (not that L believed Light loved him after all). L feared for Light’s future and his sanity. But L feared Light most because he cared so much for him and was scared that his attachment could only grow. 

He did not deserve Light, and yet Light should not be worth much. He was a killer, responsible for countless deaths (he was fairly certain of this, about 75 percent). 

It should bother L more that Light was Kira. Why did it not bother him more? 

Light began to rouse, his hands squeezing tightly around L’s middle before letting go. He pushed himself back, his eyes fluttering open, finding L quickly. When L did not meet his gaze, he stretched back to lay on his back. 

L finally allowed himself to look at Light. He wondered what would be more cruel: to chase Light or to let him go. 

“Did you sleep?” Light asked, his voice rough from sleep. 

When L did not answer he took it as a negative. “I’m sorry if I disrupted your rest,” he apologized. 

“I wasn’t sleeping before anyway,” L reassures. 

Light hums. He seems to think for a moment before he speaks. “I think I should break up with Misa,” he says. “I want to break up with her.”

It is so sudden, L is not sure what else to say but, “Why?”

Light’s eyes flicker to L’s face as if it is obvious. “I don’t want to continue a false relationship…it feels wrong.”

For a moment he thinks, _good_. But things are not so simple. L worries his lip between his teeth. “I see.”

“You can’t,” L says. “You shouldn’t,” L corrects. 

This confuses Light greatly. “Why not?”

“I’m sure she would not take it well. She would become uncooperative and her cooperation is detrimental to catching Kira,” he explains. 

Light is silent for a moment. He adjusts so he’s sitting up on his elbow and regards L like he is choosing his next words carefully. “You want me to stay with Misa?”

L feels like he is dancing on a tightrope. “Yes.”

Light sighs and resigns himself. “Okay.”

He is standing, forcing L up as well, when he says, “I’ll do it, as long as you know the truth.”

L tries not to think about what that means.

* * *

Aber and Weddie arrived the morning after. 

L could not help his gaze from straying to observe Light’s face as he explained Aber’s and Weddie’s criminal history. 

“You can think of them as criminal informants, if you’d like,” L drawled. “I couldn’t summon them when Yagami-san and the others were a part of the force, but now…”

Chief Yagami and his son were silent for a moment, both pensive like they were holding back their tongues; L thought their family resemblance was striking then. 

Something turned behind Light’s eyes and he stepped forward, extending his hand politely. “I guess with Yotsuba against us, people like you will be of great help. I look forward to working together.”

L felt his lip twitch in amusement as he watched Light shake hands with the two. It was always impressive how well Light was at hiding how he truly felt; though he supposed anyone would be after keeping up such a flawless mask for most of their life. He wondered if Light was even possible of telling the truth, of being genuine, any longer. If years of masquerading as something you are not, had such an effect. Did he come to believe his own lies, the same way everyone else fell for them?

When he turned to L now, and gave him a secret smile, one that was meant for him and him alone, was that a lie as well?

* * *

They are sitting in the headquarters, late, drowning out the sounds of shuffling paper, squeaking desk chairs, and the tapping of keyboards with mindless banter. Every once and awhile, Light’s hand brushes against his, or his knee pushes at his thigh, or he leans too close and not close enough. And it’s by no means incidental, it’s every bit intentional, calculative and provoking. He doesn’t hate him for it; there is only the ever burning curiosity that sits idle beneath his skin. 

He swivels in his chair, his knees unfurling from their position. “I’m going to the break room.”

Light lets out a tired sigh and pushes away from the desk. “I need coffee anyway.”

He blinked owlishly at Light. 

“Come on,” Light calls and he feels himself moving at the sound of his voice. 

He watches Light as he pushes buttons on the coffee machine. L feels his lips itching to frown. He feels elsewhere. His thoughts were scrambled, his reasoning dampened, and when he listened to the silence closely he heard that distant pitter patter of rain. 

He barely notices when Light finishes, hauling them back to the investigation room. For a moment, in his dizzy confusion, he wonders why they had gone to the break room in the first place. He sinks back into his chair, adjusting his legs into their familiar position. 

L turns back to the screen, overlooking data he’s mulled over a thousand times. Nothing’s new; all digested and spat out. It makes his head hurt. 

A cup of hot cocoa with an unreasonable amount of whipped cream is placed in front of him. He feels his lips play at a smile. He brings it to his mouth eagerly and when he takes it away he notices Light is still standing, hovering. 

“You’ve got some on your lip,” Light says, his mouth lifting at a corner. 

L’s tongue darts out to lick away the cream on his upper lip. 

Light shakes his head lightly and bent. The pad of his thumb wiped against L’s lip, soft and lingering. When his touch falls it is replaced by a sweet mouth, pressing kindly. L has to remind himself to close his eyes. 

It is not their first kiss and yet, the critters in his stomach did not abide by this fact. His heart leapt. It was not their first kiss and yet, it was. Because Light had chosen it willingly, had stepped into L’s space comfortably, bent down, and met his lips. And L was not only allowing it, he was chasing it; he craved, more deeply than anything, to taste him. 

And like that, all the self control he had exerted over the past weeks went, like water through a floodgate. Light tipped his head up with the gentle suggestion of his hand beneath L’s chin, and then his fingers were spread across L’s cheek, snaking behind his ear and disappearing into tangles of hair. When Light pressed against his mouth, his tongue tasting like bitter sweetness, L felt it all—the excitement, desire, an ecstasy, the rapture and a bit of greed. A finger trailed to whisper against his neck, and his back straightened in response, in eagerness. He had never been touched like this, and yet his body was starved for it, for something it had never known. L’s cup trembled in his hand. 

Kissing Light tasted like every dark thought that had ever graced L’s mind. 

Then his lips were gone, replaced with a cold airiness. L’s eyes flickered open to see Light looking down at him, a cattish grin on his face that looked awfully like victory. Light stepped back, took a sip of his coffee, and sat down in his chair. L mirrored him and took a sip from his own drink. 

His gaze flickered to the cameras in the room, and he hoped Watari was not watching at the moment. He’s not sure how he would explain his way out of this. There was no cover of darkness to shroud it like the first kiss. 

When he looked back, Light was wearing an indiscernible expression. He’d never seen it on him before, and he was sure, as well, that Light had likely never worn it. 

L found his voice after a few moments. “I can’t say I’m surprised. You never showed much interest in your girlfriends.”

Light’s smile widened. “Oh, yeah?” He cocked his head playfully and asked, “What about you? I didn’t think you’d ever achieve such complex emotions.”

L rolled his eyes. “I am human, Light-kun.” 

An ease settled over him as he observed Light’s behavior. He was not retreating, distancing himself, if anything he seemed quite content. L had been so frightened of the aftermath of their kindling, and yet not much had changed. 

He swallows around a mouthful of hot chocolate and gives thought to Light’s comment. “I guess I never really thought about sexuality.”

Light rose a brow at this. 

L blinked at him, realizing he was expected to elaborate. “Well, I always knew human sexuality is a spectrum and that social bias codifies attraction, contrary to the biological facts. Though I’d rather believe I have some semblance of free will concerning the individual, no matter where nature placed me on the spectrum.” 

Light was silent for a moment and there was a timidness to his smile and the color to his cheeks. A thought must have fluttered through his mind, because he leant forward, a small sound of amusement escaping his lips. 

“That was rather romantic,” Light teased. 

L felt his idiotic heart skip in his chest. “Was it?”

Light hummed. “I can’t blame you though,” and his face settled back into a familiar vanity. “I am brilliant and beautiful.”

“How egotistical of you.”

“Mmm, but you like that about me.”

“Do I?” L couldn’t help but smile. 

“Yes,” Light said definitively. “Because you’re the same.”

L looked at him disbelievingly. “I’m not sure I fawn at my own reflection.”

Light disregarded the dig. “But it’s boring isn’t it? Knowing no one in the room could possibly keep up with you. I’d say that’s egotistical, though well founded.”

He is silent because it’s true, and his silence is louder than any response could be. 

Light brings himself closer to L, his ankle winding around the legs of L’s chair, stealing a kiss. L melted into it, feeling weak in the other’s ministrations. Light pulled back, mouthing and nipping obnoxiously at L’s face and neck. L felt laughter form in his chest, and he let out an exaggerated sigh. 

Through the thick material of his pants, he could feel Light’s hand on the skin of his thigh. His breath tickled L’s ear, and he spoke into it, “We’re different, aren’t we? There’s no one like us. There’s no one else like you,” he whispered dangerously against L’s skin. “Not for me.”

It scares him to hear Light like this, because it is too close to saying, “we are better”, the skating around the comparison of gods, or other things that might fall from Kira’s lips. And yet L finds resonance in Light’s arrogance. Because when he takes Light’s face in the palm of his hand, his words ring true, because there is no one like Light and there was no one like L, there was only them. And it felt good to harbor himself in another. 

He pulled back to look at Light, and brought a loving hand to cradle his face, thumb brushing against the highs of his cheek. 

Sometimes, moments like now, he feels their eyes beaming so high behind him, he fears they will drill holes into the skin of his back. Who’s eyes? A’s or B’s or Watari’s? Mello’s or Near’s or Matt’s? Light’s or Kira’s? He does not know. Of course they are different, L thinks to himself. No, they are not better than anybody else. It doesn’t sound very convincing, even in the solitude of his own mind. 

“It is late, we should rest,” is what he finds himself saying instead. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what did y’all think about the one shot? it was nice to see near and ryuk again and it was kind of amazing DN came back mostly to shit on trump


End file.
